In the news today, thousands of white people gathered at the foot of the Lincoln Memorial to protest their continued dominance of American politics and culture.
“Look, we’ve seen this before,” opined Larry Tippits of Villisca, Iowa. “For all of the twentieth century white people were in control of politics, culture, and wealth. Hell, even “the first black president” was white! And that trend only continues today; there’s what, one African American senator? And that’s Roland Burris! No, we’ve had all we can take and we can’t take no more. We won’t be satisfied until people like me [Mr. Tippits self-identifies as “white, with some Cherokee from my great grandmother”] no longer dominate the halls of power and privilege.”
Mr. Tippit’s views appeared to be shared by the mono-chrome crowd who at one point heckled members of the House and Senate–speaking at the event on behalf of their re-election campaigns–with chants of “no taxation without representation!” When Senator Lamar Alexander broke from his rehearsed stump speech to point out that as an elected official he did, in fact, represent the people of Tennessee, he was met with shouts of “well I didn’t vote for you!”
Approached after the event, Senator Alexander threw up his arms and stated, “What the f@#$, don’t these people go to school? I’m in the middle of a stump speech talking to people who look exactly like me, and I have to stop and review the basics of a representative form of government? That’s a sure sign that f@#$ing white people have been in control of this government for far to long, and I won’t tolerate it!”
The event was not all verbal Caucasian on Caucasian violence, however. Lee Greenwood arrived to wow the crowd with a stirring rendition of the now-classic “I’m Proud to be an American.” As he left the stage he shouted to the gathered attendees, “Don’t let this be the end, make it the beginning! Take this crazy energy of yours and go out there and vote yourselves out of power! For the children!”
An official number of participants was unavailable as the park service no longer estimates crowd sizes at rallies held at the National Mall. However, one park ranger was overheard to say that there was a “whole bushel load of white folk” in attendance. Urbandictionary.com defines a “bushel load” as greater than a “shit load,” but less than a “full load.”